Outside the Cubicle in the Real World

July 22nd, 2010 Atrian No comments

I am so frustrated and thus so tired of all my cranky thoughts.  Any time I haven’t been in a bad mood in the past two weeks has pretty much been a vacation from myself.  Now that I am on summer vacation from school as well I never get anything done anymore, and I can’t stand myself.  I thought if I took a year off of working, then it would give me time to work on things, but the workaholic in me just won’t do anything without the actual job to go with it.

Wait, that’s not all true.  I have done some things, and I am much more happier now than I was at my last job.  I just don’t reach my expectations, and that really frustrates me.  I have been reading more and expanding my knowledge on a number of subjects, and I got to visit all the schools in the Southeast that I have applied at so far, but something is still missing.

I guess that something would be satisfaction.  But I have figured out a lot about myself lately and found the answers to questions that have bugged me for so long, so why can’t I feel satisfaction out of that?  Why am I not fulfilled out of self knowledge that has been long sought after?

I guess it is so easy to see how far I’ve come and all that I have done when it is all easily measurable, but outside the cubicle, life does not work that way.  Life is more complex and chaotic in the real world, and when you get used to having control and ease over everything, it can be a bit much to take in.  After all I have learned, the real lesson I need is to learn to be comfortable when I am not in control, to just relax, and to appreciate what I can accomplish outside of the box.

Revenge of The List

July 21st, 2010 Atrian No comments
  1. Make a comic. This is on hold.
  2. Make an animated short. blaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaah
  3. Eat healthy. Too depressed to do this right now.
  4. Finish my portfolio. blaaaaaaaaaaaah
  5. Finish my website. blaaaaaaaaaaaaaah
  6. Graduate and figure out my education plans. Applied at three schools.  Still not happy.
  7. Move to a bigger city. blaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaah
  8. Write some articles & shorts. blah.
  9. Get into an exercise routine. Ugh.
  10. Learn to play the electric guitar. Meh.

Revenge of the Healthy Spending Plan

July 21st, 2010 Atrian No comments

Good news:  I quit smoking.

Bad news: This plan failed, horribly, on the spending side of things.

Categories: Life, The Plan Tags: , ,

Healthy Spending Plan

June 22nd, 2010 Atrian No comments

Whereas most people think of food when it comes to binging, I have a problem with binge shopping.  I’ll stop myself from shopping for long periods of time until I can’t take it anymore and overspend.  Then there is my problem with cigarettes.  I stopped for about six months when I first started working at AEgis but started up again due to severe anxiety.  I’m hoping by periodically using controlled shopping I can rid myself both of binge shopping and cigarettes.  I’m going to place markers throughout the rest of the year, and if I don’t smoke nor buy stuff I don’t need between now and those times, then I get homemade vouchers to use whenever for certain things I like to buy.    By not shopping except when I use said vouchers I’ll be saving up money, and all of the rewards will be things that I would be willing to not smoke in order to get because the happiness of say making a meal from scratch is more enjoyable to me than a cigarette! <3  Also I am hoping the pride of buying something I’ve worked for will be more appealing that the quickly diluted happiness I get from binge shopping.  If this works out, then I might add in a bonus point system for keeping up an exercise routine.

The Plan

Start date: 6/21/10

  • First check, 2 weeks, on 7/5/10
    Prize: three vouchers for ingredients for healthy from scratch gourmet meals
  • Second check, 4 weeks, on 7/19/10
    Prize: one voucher for a bedding, two vouchers for kitchen knick-knacks
  • Third check, 6 weeks, 8/2/10
    Prize: three vouchers for ingredients for healthy from scratch gourmet meals, one voucher for kitchen related item
  • Fourth check, 8 weeks, 8/16/10
    Prize: one voucher for $30 of art supplies for the new school year, two vouchers for eating out with friends
  • Fifth check, 10 weeks, 8/30/10
    Prize: three vouchers for ingredients for healthy from scratch gourmet meals, one voucher for kitchen related item
  • Sixth check, 12 weeks, 9/13/10
    Prize: one voucher for an art book, two vouchers for fall outfits
  • Seventh check, 14 weeks, 9/27/10
    Prize: two vouchers for ingredients for healthy from scratch gourmet meals, two vouchers for eating out with friends
  • Eighth check, 16 weeks, 10/11/10
    Prize: one voucher for a Halloween costume, one voucher for Halloween decorations
  • Ninth check, 18 weeks, 10/25/10
    Prize: one voucher for a small Halloween art student party + foods :3
  • Tenth check, 20 weeks, 11/8/10
    Prize: two vouchers for art books, two vouchers for winter outfits
  • Eleventh check, 22 weeks, 11/22/10
    Prize: four vouchers for eating out with friends
  • Twelfth check, 24 weeks, 12/6/10
    Prize: one voucher for a small goodbye/graduation party with close friends
  • Thirteenth check, 26 weeks, 12/20/10
    Prize: one voucher for something awesome in new apartment in the Boro and start saving up for Bonnaroo

12/31/10 – make new list <3 <3 <3

Categories: Life, The Plan Tags: , , , ,

The List, continued

June 21st, 2010 Atrian No comments

The List

  1. Make a comic. This is on hold.
  2. Make an animated short. Working on it.
  3. Eat healthy. Mostly there.
  4. Finish my portfolio. I got a portfolio specific website.
  5. Finish my website. I have a job to do someone else’s website now, haha….
  6. Graduate and figure out my education plans. I applied at MTSU!  I graduate from Calhoun this year!
  7. Move to a bigger city. Going apartment hunting next month in Murfreesboro, which is a suburb of Nashville.
  8. Write some articles & shorts. Working on it.  I wrote some more blog posts too, but they are still on paper.
  9. Get into an exercise routine. I was doing this until recently.  I need to start back up again.
  10. Make some prints and business cards. I think I’ll put this off for now until I get my portfolio up.
  11. Learn to play the electric guitar. Holy crap, I have a guitar now!  I traded in my violin for it. :3

Words.

April 29th, 2010 Atrian 1 comment

“Wear sunscreen.

If I could offer you only one tip for the future, sunscreen would be it. The long-term benefits of sunscreen have been proved by scientists, whereas the rest of my advice has no basis more reliable than my own meandering experience. I will dispense this advice now.

Enjoy the power and beauty of your youth. Oh, never mind. You will not understand the power and beauty of your youth until they’ve faded. But trust me, in 20 years, you’ll look back at photos of yourself and recall in a way you can’t grasp now how much possibility lay before you and how fabulous you really looked. You are not as fat as you imagine.

Don’t worry about the future. Or worry, but know that worrying is as effective as trying to solve an algebra equation by chewing bubble gum. The real troubles in your life are apt to be things that never crossed your worried mind, the kind that blindside you at 4 p.m. on some idle Tuesday.

Do one thing every day that scares you.

Sing.

Don’t be reckless with other people’s hearts. Don’t put up with people who are reckless with yours.

Floss.

Don’t waste your time on jealousy. Sometimes you’re ahead, sometimes you’re behind. The race is long and, in the end, it’s only with yourself.

Remember compliments you receive. Forget the insults. If you succeed in doing this, tell me how.

Keep your old love letters. Throw away your old bank statements.

Stretch.

Don’t feel guilty if you don’t know what you want to do with your life. The most interesting people I know didn’t know at 22 what they wanted to do with their lives. Some of the most interesting 40-year-olds I know still don’t.

Get plenty of calcium. Be kind to your knees. You’ll miss them when they’re gone.

Maybe you’ll marry, maybe you won’t. Maybe you’ll have children, maybe you won’t. Maybe you’ll divorce at 40, maybe you’ll dance the funky chicken on your 75th wedding anniversary. Whatever you do, don’t congratulate yourself too much, or berate yourself either. Your choices are half chance. So are everybody else’s.

Enjoy your body. Use it every way you can. Don’t be afraid of it or of what other people think of it. It’s the greatest instrument you’ll ever own.

Dance, even if you have nowhere to do it but your living room.

Read the directions, even if you don’t follow them.

Do not read beauty magazines. They will only make you feel ugly.

Get to know your parents. You never know when they’ll be gone for good. Be nice to your siblings. They’re your best link to your past and the people most likely to stick with you in the future.

Understand that friends come and go, but with a precious few you should hold on. Work hard to bridge the gaps in geography and lifestyle, because the older you get, the more you need the people who knew you when you were young.

Live in New York City once, but leave before it makes you hard. Live in Northern California once, but leave before it makes you soft. Travel.

Accept certain inalienable truths: Prices will rise. Politicians will philander. You, too, will get old. And when you do, you’ll fantasize that when you were young, prices were reasonable, politicians were noble and children respected their elders.

Respect your elders.

Don’t expect anyone else to support you. Maybe you have a trust fund. Maybe you’ll have a wealthy spouse. But you never know when either one might run out.

Don’t mess too much with your hair or by the time you’re 40 it will look 85.

Be careful whose advice you buy, but be patient with those who supply it. Advice is a form of nostalgia. Dispensing it is a way of fishing the past from the disposal, wiping it off, painting over the ugly parts and recycling it for more than it’s worth.

But trust me on the sunscreen.”
-Mary Schmich

I disagree with some of this, but nevertheless it’s pretty endearing.

Categories: Life Tags: ,

Of Financial Savy and College Needs

April 28th, 2010 Atrian No comments

I remember certain parts of my senior year of high school very vividly.  In particular one memory has been bobbing up today.  I was from a family that was just getting by who had purposefully moved into a good school district in hopes of sending their kids to college.  The class difference was most apparent when one by one my classmates starting announcing their graduation presents.  Nearly everyone I knew suddenly owned a laptop.  Beforehand I was just happy because it turned out I had gotten enough scholarship money to go to community college, which had been iffy the year before.  My parents weren’t paying for my schooling, let alone a new computer, and I felt cheated.   To make rub it in further several of my classmates put me down for going to community college.

I started both working and going to college the same week that I graduated high school.  I tried to save up money, but having no experience with fiscal responsibilities made that near impossible for me.  Part way into my first year of college my computer, which had stuck around for most of high school, died.  To make things worse the engine in my car cracked.  At a school where the main courses rely heavily on work done on computers and whose main campus was an hour away,  I had to make a choice.  My first major financial decision:  I took out a loan on a brand new car.  I don’t believe in living in regret, but for a while I mentally kicked myself for that decision.  A week later my mom kicked me out because she didn’t believe that I was attending my classes and claimed I was going to drop out of school.  An attempt at a self fulfilling prophecy anyone?  The school has records to prove I went to classes, but it made no difference.  To make matters worse I could not afford an apartment on my own because I was using a large chunk of my money to make car payments (can’t you just hear my thudding my head against a wall here?).  I lived with a friend’s family who was kind enough to take me in.  Eventually I found out that a friend needed a roommate at a house she wanted to rent.  It was cheap and central to the city, which made it fifteen minutes from the city campus, where I could at least get my basics out of the way, so I took it.  Next major financial decision:  Convinced my Mother, through school records and the idea that I needed a laptop to stay in school,  to loan me $2000 to buy the laptop I am typing on now. Yes, there were much cheaper ones, but I knew if it broke down, then I would be screwed, so I looked for what I considered my best bet at a lasting investment.  Obviously I choose right.

Some time later a friend of mine from my senior class commented on how his family couldn’t afford a Lenovo like mine, so they bought an Apple.  I don’t even remember what my response was; I just remember feeling really eerie, a kind of weird shock feeling.  Having to go through all those people in high school going on and on about presents from their parents, including their expensive laptops, only to have someone comment on the cost of mine by just hearing the name of the brand was just incredibly, incredibly weird.  I bought that laptop on 09/03/07.  I had essentially waited 1.5 years longer to get mine than all my classmates and had worked my ass off from May of 2006 till two months ago, January of 2010, to pay off both my laptop, my car, and an added loan from my mother for a PC at $1,000.  But even without the PC, I didn’t pay off my laptop till 2010, over two years after I had bought it.  My Mother didn’t buy anything for me; she lent me money out of her savings, and I paid her back.  I feel as if that memory during my senior year of high school fueled me towards becoming the financial savy, relatively debt free person that I am today.

Today I have been looking at specs for laptops.  In another six months I’ll finally be graduating community college, despite all the bumps that have happened along the way.  I never dropped out.  I occasionally went from full time to part time and back again.  I changed majors.  I worked part time some years and +full time during others.  And here I am, with the same laptop, with the same car.  I’m a bit saddened that I am going to need a laptop soon.  I was kind of hoping that this one would last five or so years.  It’s not that it doesn’t work or that there is anything wrong with it.  The problem is that the modern needs of technology have outgrown it.  It cannot support the newer versions of art programs that I need, and as the newer computers got faster and faster, the speed difference became more and more apparent.  Also what once was considered the most loftiness of hard drives is now rather small for my needs.  But luckily I found something that made the parting less bitter:  as I looked and looked for a laptop to meet my specs, the one I finally found that does is a Lenovo, and it’s a Thinkpad just like the one I am typing on.

Oh and those classmates, the ones who put me down, most of which ended up at community college later on.  So much for it being below them.

Accounted For

April 26th, 2010 Atrian 2 comments

I have now deleted all of my old accounts from middle school and high school at various dating sites. >.<

I’m deleted all but two of my accounts at DeviantArt: the one I’m using and one I’m having trouble getting access to because I’m not sure what email address it is registered to, which also happens to be my first DA account.  I just cannot remember my passwords from that long ago, and I never believed in writing my passwords down because I was paranoid someone would find the piece of paper it was on.  I used to have them backed up on old computer documents, but after so many email changes and failed hard drives you loose stuff permanently.  Back then an external hard drive like the one I have now were expensive as were CDs, so we used floppy disks instead.  I password protected all of my floppies as well, so I can’t even check them for stuff.  Now it all just seems rather stupid.

I was on the verge of forgetting how to even get into those accounts that I did deactivate, which is why this is happening now rather than later.  I don’t use them, so it’s pointless to keep them up and running.  Basically I am tying up loose ends from the days of my adolescence.

Mainly I just hate leaving empty accounts at places that I’ll never check.

Categories: Life Tags: